STOMP!

This mother of four made one of the biggest mistakes to date last week.  She watched STOMP, Live on Netflix with them.  The show was amazing.  I vow to do whatever I can to take my children to see them one day.  The boys especially fell in love with their amazing skill and performance. 

My entire house is a giant instrument now!  It's rather ridiculous how loud it is.  Notice Maya is not in this picture.  When this trio gets bangin' Maya and I head for the other room.  We agree they are "annoying".  ;)

Sun vs. Son

My husband and I are raising our children without a "religion".  We believe they are to young to understand and don't want to condition their little minds.  Our goal is to let them decide for themself when they reach an age of maturity.  Instead we focus on teaching them love, compassion, and discipline.  With that said, Zander is the only 6 year old I know that can point out a picture of Jesus, Buddha, and Krishna....and tell you about all three.  I'm not saying this to boast or condemn anyone or their personal beliefs....just giving you a little background inside our family for this very funny story.....

My conversation with Zander (age 6) as we were cleaning my room.

Zander:  Mom, next Thanksgiving I'm going to be thankful for Jesus.

Me:  Great.  Why do you say that? 

Zander:  I love playing outside.

Me:  Huh?  I don't understand.

Zander:  I love playing outside.  Jesus is the god of the sun you know.

your guide to surviving the carpool lane

Today my kids and I nearly witnessed a fist fight between two dads in the drop off and carpool lane at their elementary school because one was "doing it wrong".  It's serious business people.  Especially if you're running late on a Monday morning.

Pick Up & Drop Off Survival Guide

1.  There is only a 15 minute window when children can be dropped off before school.  If you arrive in the first 5 minutes you should be fine.  The other parents are more forgiving if your child gets his coat shut in the door (Gavin!) and they have to wait an extra 30 seconds.  If you arrive 5 minutes until the bell rings you will most likely hear honks and/or get flipped the bird.

2.  When you pull into the school parking lot order your children to unbuckle and put their backpacks on.  Every second counts!  Have them stand and file in a single line on the right side of the minivan, ready to jump out when the door opens.  Be sure to say your "I love yous" and "Have a good day's" while you are still in the line of vehicles.  Once you are in the zone you will have no time for all that.  Multi-task people. 

3.  When you finally make it to the front of the line and put your car into park have your kids hop out quickly.   No parents under any circumstance is allowed out of the vehicle in the drop off lane!  What?  Your kindergartner is having trouble with their 5 point harness car seat?  Well, my friend, you need to park your car a block from the school and walk your child in.....other wise you are running risk of being an outcast at the PTA.....just sayin'. 

Bonus Tip:  Run drills and practice all summer long.  ;) 

What's your pet peeve in the drop off lane at school? 

Zoo Trip

We enjoyed a beautiful day at the Tulsa Zoo today. 

It's been a long time since we've ALL enjoyed the day together.

Gavin's favorite subject was "penis" today.  Don't really understand his fascination with the word or the actual member itself.....but whatever, he's four.  And he's a boy.  I suppose it comes with the territory?

We were looking at the elephants when Sneezy (the male elephant) used the bathroom.  Gavin blurted out in a crowd of people "WOW!  Look at the size of that penis!" 

"Gavin, SHHHHHHH!!!"  I begged.

"That's the biggest penis I've ever seen!!  Holy Moly!!"  he continued to yell.  The crowd of on lookers cracked up.....which, of course, egged Gavin on. 

Ely and I were laughing so hard our stomachs ached.  Great parenting, I know.....but have you ever seen a male elephant pee?!  In my son's defense, it is a sight.  It's like a 5th leg. 

Gotta copy big brothers! 

At the petting zoo Gavin  brought up his favorite topic again.  He was bragging to a group of adults about all the animals he's seen that day.  "I saw a cow....and guess what?!  He had FIVE penises!"  The ladies mouth dropped and the men rolled with laughter. 

I was mortified at the time, had no idea what he was talking about until the stranger corrected him between his hiccups of laughter, "You mean utters, son?" 

"Whatever,"  Gavin said.  "They look like penises"

.  Oh geez.  Please let this be a phase.

Conversation While in Bed

Tonight as I was putting the boys to bed I overheard a conversation that was TOOOOO funny not to document.

Gavin:  I'm 8 years old.

Zander:  No your not.  I'm 6 and you're only 4. 

Gavin:  I'm older then you.

Zander:  (getting very upset)  No your NOT!  I'm 6, your 4!!

Gavin:  I'm older.

Zander:  You're my baby brother.

Gavin: (getting upset)  I am NOT a baby!

Zander:  I'm older then you, so you're my baby brother.

Gavin:  Yeah?  Well, I'm cuter then you.

Zander:  Whatever.

Tall Tales

Today Camille told a whopper, and she's only two!  I'm talking bold face lie here!

I walk into the kitchen where she had halfway climbed the bar stool and with a sharpie started to write on some important papers I had laying on the counter top. 

"Camille!  No, no!"  I scolded.  Then I realized that she just wanted to draw and told her ask Momma for the crayons. 

"I didn't do it Momma.  Obi did it.  No, no Obi!  No draw on Mamma paper!" she scolded the poor dog. 

Fat Man

It's almost my favorite holiday.....HALLOWEEN! 

I figure this is the last year I will be able to pick out the girls costumes, so I better make them good.  I am stumped on ideas....anyone have any??

Zander wants to be a super hero.  Not any ol' super hero, he made up his own.  It's his Incredible Hulk muscle costume under his Red Power Ranger costume.  He came down stairs the other day in his get up....it was horrible!  The Power Ranger costume is 2 year old and has been in many of battles.  I would throw it out, but they love it so much, I haven't the heart.  He's still trying to come up with a name.  In the mean time, I am trying to talk him out of this horrible idea of his.  I just had a great idea, Astro Boy!  He loves that movie and it would be super easy and fun....I can't wait 'till morning to ask him what he thinks.

As for Gavin, well, he thought his brother's idea of layering the dress up clothes was brilliant. 

"What are you suppose to be Gavin?"  I asked.

"A fat man!" 

I tried not to laugh, but it was hilarious.  I told him no, he whined and begged but I stood firm.  Can you imagine the looks and stares we would get walking down Brookside at Boo Ha Ha.  Yeah, my son is a fat man...??? 

Oh, but the story gets worse and even more politically incorrect.  My 4 year old then said, "Fine.  I'll just be a man with a giant penis for halloween." 

I about had a heart attack. 

Deep Thoughts with Zander

Zander is definitely his father's son.  This is his conversation with Gavin today at lunch.

Gavin:  "Mom, your flowers are dying." 

Zander:  "Everything dies Gavin.  That's life."

Gavin:  "I know..."

Zander:  "I mean everything dies....plants, people, animals, even this house will one day die."

Gavin: "Yeah, I KNOW!"

Zander:  "Flowers have a short life Gavin."

Gavin:  "I know."

Zander:  "Do you know what even has a shorter life than a flower?"

Gavin:  "Ummm....what?"

Zander:  "Voice.  "

**SCREAMS**

"See?  That sound already died.  It's over."

**WOOOO!**

"See?  That sound I made already died too. That's life Gavin."

Pretty deep for a 1st grader. 

another "accident"

I was busy washing dishes after dinner this evening and Gavin came down stairs and tattled, "Mom!  Maya and Camille are naked again!"

"I'll be right up."

After I finished rinsing plates I headed upstairs where Gavin met me at the top.  "It was an accident, Mama."

Uh-oh.  That's never good to hear. 

"They're stuck in my room,"  he explained.

Gavin had locked his naked two year old sisters in his bedroom! 

Not a huge deal if you have normal bedroom door knobs, but the boys bedroom has a knob like this...

Yeah.  I never noticed until tonight. 

Anyway.  I tried my best to pick the lock but had no luck.  I tried talking the girls into unlocking the door but they just got frustrated with me for not letting them out.  I called the hubby at work....he was no where near being off work and wasn't much help.  He mostly just laughed and told me to knock the door down as a last resort. 

By this point a good twenty minutes had gone by.  I decided to call my sister, Jacque.  Her boyfriend tried to help over the phone....but it was useless.  Nothing was working. 

Soon I heard the dreaded "uh-oh" on the other side of the door followed by "Mama I poo-poo!"

"DON'T TOUCH IT!!"  I yelled through the door. 

I ended up calling the non-emergency police line.  When Gavin heard this he flipped out. 

"Mom!  PUH-LEEEEEASE don't call the police!!  I don't want to go to jail!"

Gavin then burst into tears.  It was hilarious.  (call me cruel, whatever, YOU try not to laugh at that situation!)

A HUGE thank you to Tulsa Fire Dept for coming to our rescue!!  Our hero's!

We are officially the talk of the culdesac. 

It only took them 3 minutes to open it up.  This is what we found.

Two babies in the buff (well, they were wearing converse and socks!) They obviously had a good time destroying their brothers room.  One of them pooped and Camille stepped in it and smeared it in the carpet.  Not to mention, there were tinkle tracks throughout the room.  It was great.

Funny Kids

It's hard being a stay at home momma.  Some days are awful.  The kids are moody and I am preoccupied.  But other days....most days lately....are pretty fantastic.  I feel like I am finally getting this whole momma thing down.  My kids leave me in stitches everyday.  Here are a few of my favorite moments today...

We were at the Dollar Tree and, as you can imagine, we attract a lot of attention.  Every one we passed commented about the twins or their red hair.  Gavin had just about enough of the attention.  He was angry at me because I wouldn't let him get any cheap toys.  "I like cheap toys."  He kept arguing.

A little old lady past and told him what a handsome young man he was and that he had gorgeous hair.

He forced out "thank you" then turned to me and asked, "Can I dye my hair black?" 

Camille and I were spending some alone time cuddling on the couch this afternoon.  She was being so sweet, I tried to soak up every once of love.  "You're my little sweet pea" I told her.  She looked and me confused and busted out laughing.  "No, Momma silly!" 

"What's so funny?  You are my sweet pea!"

"Momma, you're my sweet poo-poo!"  she said. 

Go figure. 

Stylin'

We've got style!

Yes, we do!

We've got style,

How 'bout you?

When you see us around town, no judging.  My 2 older children dress themselves.

Oh, Zander.  That is an Incredible Hulk muscle costume under his clothes.  He wants people to think he's buff.  He's outside skateboarding right now in this get up.  I told him it's hot, but he's determined to prove me wrong.  This is coming from the kid who refused to wear shorts last summer....even to the splash pads. 

Obama Rice

We're at the grocery store yesterday and Gavin asks, "Mom, can we pleeeeze get the Barack Obama rice today?" 

I ignored him, and continued to read the ingredients on a box of couscous. 

He continued.  "Please mom.  You never buy Barack Obama rice.  Can we please get Barack Obama rice?" 

I finally realized what he was asking.  "What in the world are you talking about?"

He points up at a box of Uncle Ben's rice.  Really?  wth?  I was cracking up.  President's are on money....why not rice boxes?  

This is coming from the same kid who saw a picture of Bin Laden and shouted "Santa!"  Far from it kid.  I'm trying not to read to much into his horrible observations.

vaseline & ken dolls

Saturday night I went to my friend Danielle's bachelorette party and had WAY to much fun.  With that said, Sunday I received the World's Worst Mother Award.  I was tired and crabby all day.

Monday morning came around and I had to make it up to my sweet children for putting up with me the day before.  I decided to make french toast for breakfast in hopes for their forgiveness.  The way to my children's heart is definitely maple syrup. 

I called the kids down for breakfast.  Maya did not come.  I went upstairs and found this...

She found a tub of Vaseline.

"I pretty Mommy?" she asked me when I walked in.

These pictures do NOT do this giant gooey greasy mess justice. 

If you ever have this mess to clean up, alcohol works on the carpet and dish soap on the hair.  As for the body.  Lots of paper towels and time.  Ugh.  It's a nice way to start a Monday morning before your coffee.  But really how can you be upset with a two year old this cute?  

In other household news, Saturday I bought a Barbie Dream House for the girls for only $2!  I know they are a little young but I loved Barbie when I was a little girl and always dreamed of having her house.  I couldn't pass it up. 

They only had one doll that they received for Christmas from a relative this past year, so we went to Target to buy another.  Zander (my almost 6 yr old BOY) begged me to buy a Ken doll for him...so I did.  Two of them, one for each boy.  The boys have been playing Barbies all weekend. 

I haven't the heart to tell them they are "girl toys"

I have to come clean before school starts....or their friends come over.

It thrills me to  have these pictures to torture them when they are older. 

Evil?  maybe.  Funny?  definitely.

Secret Agent Zander

I just had a very funny conversation with a couple of 5 year old boys.  Joe (the kid from next door) came down stairs from playing with the other children, looking very disturbed. 

"Ms. Dana?  Is Zander really a spy?"  Joe asked.

I had to pry.  "Why do you ask that?"

Kid by day, spy by night

"Well, Zander said he was.  A real one.  He said when you go to sleep at night he sneaks out of the house to his secret headquarters.  He said he fights bad guys that our in our neighborhood.  He says he's a ninja and he uses rocks as weapons.  Are there really bad guys in our neighborhood?" 

"He is just pretending Joe."  I tried to reassure him. 

Zander joined us downstairs. 

"Your mom said your not really a spy."  Joe told Zander.

"Yeah I am.  She has no clue.  She thinks I'm just her normal kid....but I'm really not."  He leans over and whispers in his friend's ear, "I'm a Secret Agent."   

"But there are no bad guys in our neighborhood!"  Joe exclaimed.

"Not anymore.  I fought them all.  Some tried to sneak in your house, but I fought them right in your front yard!  You must have been sleeping.  It was around midnight." 

"Zander!"  I gave him the look.  "He's pretending Joe."  I could see the look of concern in Joe's eyes. 

"Believe what you want."  Zander said with an evil grin. 

I have to admit that I'm a little impressed of this whole scheme he's got going on.   I love his imagination but is it really necessary to scare the neighbor kids??  Joe's parents are just gonna love this one.   

worms

I am never prepared for the conversations I have with my very grown up 5 year old, Zander.  Today at lunch we were talking about the worms they found earlier that morning.  The boys began to argue back and forth about the sex of a specific worm.  The largest fattest worm of the bunch.  Zander said it was a male because it was so big....Gavin said a female (fat and pregnant). 

They turned to me for the answer.  I don't like to just tell my kids what to believe and encourage them to find out for themselves...with every aspect of life....so I thought we would figure it out together.  We turned to google for the answer.  Here's what we read, "Worms are Hermaphrodites.  That means that each worm has male and female sex organs." 

I knew the answer to the question but had NO CLUE where our conversation was headed....

"Hmmm...Hermaphrodite?"  Zander said it over and over making sure he got the pronunciation correct.  The idea of something being both a girl and boy intrigued him....and cracked him up at the same time.

"Mom, can people be a hermaphrodite?" he asked me.

Uh-oh.  What should I tell him?!  Truth is best, right?

"Yes son.  There are some people born with both women and men parts." 

This sent him rolling on the floor with laughter.

I tried my best to explain to him that the way people are born is no laughing matter, hermaphrodites couldn't help the way they were born just like he couldn't help it if he has brown hair.  Thankfully he accepted this and stopped calling his little brother a hermaphrodite.

He begged me to look up pictures online and show him.  I refused, scared of the images I'd find if I googled the word. 

I am certain this conversation will backfire one day and he will ask a stranger at the the grocery store if they are a hermaphrodite.  Mark my words, he will not forget the word and embarrass the hell out of me.

doggie dog world

I'm not a dog person....or a cat person for that matter.  Never had one growing up.  Never wanted one as an adult. 

I know it's a weird hang up and I want my children to love animals....so we got a Boston Terrier puppy last year, Obi.  Surprisingly, I have really grown to love the little guy....but he still gets on my nerves a little. 

Obi

I had to give you a little background info for my current story.  I am dog sitting my sister's 8 month old boxer, Jupiter, for 8 days.  Me (the self proclaimed "not a dog person")  dog sitting a giant puppy for over a week....while we're remodeling our house. 

Let me make sure you understand.  2 puppies, 4 kids, living in construction chaos...and did I mention it's been raining?!

Yesterday morning the kids and I were on our way out to meet some friends for a playdate.  Before we left the boys let the dogs out to go potty.  Jupiter decided to roll in a mud puddle.  Ugh.  I wanted to just leave them in the backyard but they had been JUMPING the fence the entire day before.  I knew my sister would never forgive me if I lost her dog. So we dragged her giant crate outside to lock her up....I was dressed and didn't want to get dirty.  This way I could deal with the muddy dog later.  I thought my idea was brilliant. 

Jupiter

It wasn't.

It rained while I was gone.  Water collect in the poor dog's crate...she was standing in about 5 inches of water!  The night before I put a maroon colored blanket inside so she would be comfortable.  It colored the water hot pink and dyed her paws! 

I felt horrible.

I had to carry a giant wet hot pink boxer puppy to the bath and scrub her down.  Let me tell you, it was a sight to see.  I'm sure my boys learned a few choice words I spewed off during the ordeal. 

I will never be asked to dog sit again.

I love you butt...

Gavin has been the topic of most my latest blog entries.

I just can't help it...the kid cracks me up...even in times of frustration...

Without further adu...another Gavin story...

We're having dinner.

With a mouth full of food Gavin dazes off into space.  Daydreaming.  He then takes his dirty fork and starts brushing his hair with it...still in la la land.

"Gavin!  Wake up buddy!  That's gross!" 

Still looking out the window Gavin dips his fork back into his food and accidentally flings it up overhead.

*sigh*

"Gavin, I love you but...."

That's what my Weegie (my dad's mom) use to say to us kids when we would get in trouble.  I find myself saying it all the time.

"Mom, I love your eyes." Gavin responded, waking from his trance.

To old for lullabies...

You know how most children love their momma when they aren't feeling good?  Not my Gavin (4).  That would go against everything about that boy...to do what is expected of him. 

Both boys have been sick since last night.  Not sure what's wrong.  Just a high fever and sleepy...no other symptoms. 

Gavin woke up from his afternoon nap very hot.  I brought him a drink of water with a thermometer in hand.  As soon as he saw it he screamed and ran away from me.  I promised him it wouldn't hurt and tried my best to calm down the hysterical little guy.  He wasn't having it.  I physically had to hold him down and put it under his arm.  I then started singing "twinkle twinkle little star" to try to calm him down. 

This only made him MORE ANGRY and he reached up and put his hand over my mouth.  "No!  I don't like that song!" 

Alright.  I looked down at the thermometer...it was already at 102 and going up....

So I started singing his all time favorite "Bushel and a Peck." 

"NOOO!!" and he reached up and swatted my mouth.  "That song is for BABIES!!  I'm a BIG BOY!" 

Looked down at the thermometer again...still going up...103....I really need to invest in one of those fancy forehead contraptions!

"OK Gavin.  I know you don't feel good, but you have to be nice to Mommy.  What song do you want me to sing?"  I stalled checking the extra slow thermometer again.

"I like rock and roll." 

I couldn't help but smile. 

Then I busted out some Bob Seger "Old Time Rock & Roll" in my best raspy voice.  Not really sure where that came from but it was the first thing I thought of!  He liked it, so I guess that's what matters. 

103.6  Poor little guy.

Passive Aggressive Evil

Last week I was at the pharmacy waiting on a prescription for the girls.  (Camille woke up with matted eyes, it just so happened to be the morning of the girls 2 year checkup....turns out pink eye.  ugh.) 

Anyway, we're there waiting.  The twins (2) and Gavin (4) are all sitting at the kiddie table watching Diego on the flat screen.  In my opinion, they were being good considering they just got poked, prodded and  immunized plus it was lunch time.  Most of the onlookers commented how adorable there red hair was or told me about every set of twins they knew.  

All but one. 

This woman...we'll call her B....sat there with her sunglasses on (yes, we were inside), arms crossed, and a snarl on her face. 

"Are you waiting to pick up your Valium?" B asked me. 

I gave her a very confused look and shook my head no.

"Humph."  she snapped.  "I need one and I've only been listening to your children for 10 minutes."

My mouth dropped open.  I had no idea what to say to that.  I'm a very non-confrontational person, so I just smiled at her uncomfortably. 

The truth is I felt sorry for her.  But I still felt offended.

A few minutes later the cartoon was over and the kids started getting antsy.  They proceeded to rearrange all the furniture in the waiting room.  I think that's when my "evil streak" kicked in.  Usually I will redirect the children to more appropriate activities but I thought, hey she thought that was bad....I'll show her bad. 

Muahahahaha.  <---my evil laugh.

I just sat there reading my Good Housekeeping magazine, not even looking up.  The twins then decided to spin in circles and sing twinkle twinkle little star at the top of their lungs.  I kept reading my magazine.  Gavin decided to race his hotwheel on top of the kiddie table crashing it onto the floor over and over again.  I continued reading. 

Eventually B got up, stepped over a couple of dizzy cuties that had fallen on the floor, and stormed out.

It's official.  I'm a little evil.  I wanted my children to get on her nerves. 

Fire Under Your Butt

I was helping the boys clean their room this evening. Gavin was messin' around, off in his own world, not helping his brother.



Then I did the unthinkable. I quoted my father. "Boy, I'm going to light a fire under your butt if you don't hurry!"



Gavin (age 4) burst into tears. "NO MOM! Please don't! I might DIE!"



Ooops. I felt horrible for scaring my baby but couldn't help but laugh at the whole situation.



First, the fact that that came out of my mouth. Then his literal translation. Ahhh...the joys of parenting.